expansion quoteIt’s been a whirlwind few years.  In the past three years I’ve gotten married, moved to Marin and given birth to two beautiful boys (two separate births – yes, I was pregnant for nearly two years straight!).   Needless to say, there have been some significant changes in my life and I’ve been confronted with what it truly means to expand – physically, mentally and spiritually.

Expansion began with creating space for a partner in my life.   I’ve had to learn how to share (I know it sounds so elementary but it’s true!) my things, my thoughts, my space, my energy and most important, my love.  As an only child I had the luxury of being selfish and alone when I wanted to be.   It felt as though I was in control of my environment and in many ways this gave me a sense of security.   Sharing myself with another person as I do today, requires me to stay present and engaged.    It also requires that I communicate my needs, wants, hopes and dislikes.   At first sharing myself in this way was rough and at times felt almost impossible.   I wanted to run for the hills on a few (or more than a few) occasions.   Today, the ‘sharing’ muscle is stronger, more flexible and actually feels pretty good when stretched (or after being stretched).    I find that each time I stretch myself a little, I learn something new, I soften and I open my heart more to my partner.    It’s counterintuitive and immensely rewarding.

Moving out of San Francisco and into suburbia has felt truly expansive.  I feel like for the first time in 17 years I have s-p-a-c-e.   I had no idea how much I was craving space until I got to taste it…  and it’s delicious.    Not only is the environment more spacious with easy, accecible parking, wider streets and real back yards, but our home is much more spacious.   We have larger bedrooms, a wide hallway, an open kitchen and an outdoor space to barbecue (instead of a fire escape).   It’s a dream and yet, I know that someday this space will also become to small.

The other two big changes that have occurred in the past couple of years have been the birth of our sons – Carson (20 mo) and Chase (5 mo).    I’m still wrapping my mind around the fact that I have TWO children!   I’m now in the ‘mommy’ club and can say things like “me and the boys …”   or “my kids”  or “mommy thinks you should ….”.   It’s a bizarre, surreal and completely mind blowing experience.   I never could have imagined that I would have the ability to open my heart this much and to love so deeply.    Talk about expansion …. wow, what a gift!    I look at my sons and am blown away that they were created in my body.   The process of going through pregnancy and then birthing a child is almost beyond words.   It is absolute confirmation to me that there is a God.   Nothing else can explain the intricate detail and miracle of a child being created and coming into the world.  While being a mommy is one of the most amazing blessings in my life it certainly doesn’t come without it’s challenges.   Motherhood calls me to the mat like nothing else.   It asks of me to be patient, loving, kind and more patient on a daily, sometimes hourly basis.   It also challenges me to expand my creativity, my ability to be ‘messy’ (very challenging for this neat nik!) and my desire to say “yes” when I want to say “no”.    It’s a tall order and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

All of the changes I’ve undergone in the past few years have and continue to teach me about becoming the woman I’ve always wanted to be.   I don’t do it perfectly but I strive to be open and allow the changes to grow me…. and so they do!

Love to hear what expands you ….