Self Love

I just had some energy work done recently and she reviewed the state of my chakras ….   needless to say, I’m stuck in a few areas.   The findings were spot on with what I’ve been experiencing so no surprises.    One of the chakras that is NOT moving is at my throat.   It is stuck but twitching very rapidly as though to burst as some point.   Meaning I have ALOT to say and it needs to come out, hence, I return to writing.   My vehicle for cathartic expression.   It’s been two years since my last blog post and honestly it’s a blur.    In the same way when someone asks “how are you?”  to me – I say good, although to myself I think – am I good?   Is that true?  What does that even mean?    Life seems busy, fast and constant in my world.   I’m not complaining – most days I’m grateful and happy with my life, however, the days string together into weeks, months then years and here I am.

Another chakra that is stuck (I have a few) is the one representing self-love.   Of course, I was bewildered with this one … I had to ask, “what does THAT mean?”   Now more than ever I see myself as more of a homebody – taking it easy.   I am someone who is good about asking for what I want and need (most of the time ; ), taking naps, doing yoga and … of course, getting things done.  That’s all self-love – right?   On some level yes.   However, I often go through my day at  lightening speed getting things done, advocating for my boys and always, always cleaning, tidying or organizing the house.   I have the will of a bulldog and am a fierce mama bear for all my boys.

I don’t think my perspective on self-love is totally skewed but my ‘self-love’ seems to come at a cost.   It’s rushing to get to yoga.   What an oxymoron that is!!   Give me a big chunk of open time where everything ‘necessary’ is already done and my first thought is that I should go back to “work” (as if I don’t have enough on my plate already), instead of how can I relax or what book might I like to read?   My world seems to center around productivity!  Clearly, I’ve misplaced this concept of self-love and put it into the get####done basket.   Just because things are in order and running smoothly (which is NEVER does), all is not necessarily well.   Mama’s physical and emotion state depend on a lot more than just keeping the to-dos checked off.

So… I’m on a quest to discover what self-love is.   Humbly speaking, you’d think I might be a little more in touch with this given that I’ve been a therapist, coach and sponsor (in a 12-step program) for almost two decades!!    Apparently, self-love involves a little more vulnerability and less ‘i-got-it-all-together persona.  I hold the bar HIGH for myself and others which isn’t necessarily a bad thing until it becomes abusive.  I have an affinity for excellence when it comes to performance, skill and efficiency and within that winning combination there is little room for error (UGH!!).   I’m guessing self-love includes a lot more room for forgiveness, slooooowness, and lowering my expectations of myself and others.

So why is the practice of self-love so complex?

I think it’s because self-love isn’t just a concept or goal to strive for …  like sobriety, it’s a way of life.  It goes beyond mani/pedis and getting my hair done.  It’s deeper and more intentional.   Its not all about giving (which I do a lot off especially as a caregiver) it’s also about retreating, giving to self and at times being selfish.   This is likely contrary to how I’ve lived my life until now.   I have been in a hurry my whole life to get  somewhere (the next landing place, and then the next…).    All my hurrying landed me someplace I never imagined  – a mom of two special needs kids, married (that’s a miracle!) , sober (another miracle) and in a 12-step program.   Apparently there has been a plan all along because my will didn’t get me here….   I had a lot of hard (and soft) landings along the way.    There’s a good chance I would have still landed here regardless of how hurried I was along the way.   Although, perhaps I could have enjoyed the ride a bit more with less anxiety, worry and anger.   The slower, steadier way looks so much kinder.    So why not slow down?   One way or another life is going to unfold – do I really need to rush myself and everyone around me to make it unfold faster?

Let’s see.

 

Blessings to you,

Nikki

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